I need to care about the universe because otherwise, everything loses meaning.

I need to care about my particular human experience, every breath and moment and feeling. I need to care about every heart I touch, every emotion I pass onto another being.

I need to believe in the divinity of cosmos because to not believe in that divinity is to lose myself to utter nihilism.

In a divine cosmos, every heartbeat matters. In a divine cosmos, every movement I make in this world is a step in a beautiful dance, a tiny but beautiful detail in an artwork of inconceivable magnitude.

For you, maybe divinity is not a filter you need or find useful. It may seem like a wishy-washy concept, an unnecessary distraction from the reality of the world we live in, the magnificence and the devastation of it. But for me, the filter of divinity is the only thing that separates me from the greatest fear of all: the fear of meaninglessness, pointlessness, futility. The fear that nothing I do will ever feel like enough, because nothing I or any human could ever do will ever really matter in the greater scheme of things.

When I paint the cosmos as divine, then every second matters. When I paint the cosmos as divine, everything I feel, and every feeling I pass along, becomes a beautiful fragment, a mimesis of something greater of infinite meaning. When I paint the cosmos as divine, I am simply imbuing with meaning this mysterious process of existence that we will never understand, and in which we play a bewilderingly tiny role.

When I struggle, I turn to gratitude. I turn to awe. I look at even the most mundane or difficult or fleeting experiences of my life and think: this is a gift. And this. And this.

Every second of every day, I am this alive.

When experience becomes a gift, a window onto something bigger and imbued with incomprehensible meaning, then things can matter again.

This struggle is not new. It is not new to me; and I doubt it’s new to you, either. This existential battle is what we call the human experience. But this seems to be a lesson that needs to be learned over, and over, and over again. The spiral of nihilistic despair is always waiting, if you let yourself go there.

And so: I look for more faith. I try to release the fear of not finding or doing the right things in life—because at the end of the day, it’s not the things that will matter, it’s the doing of them. It’s not the legacy we leave behind (because no legacy is immortal), it’s the beauty we feel and inspire in the moment. And I remember that big and great things often come in small packages.

My life has so often been touched and changed by a paragraph, a thought, a sentence. I can never tell when something I put into the world might create such a moment for another person. The important thing is to keep reaching, keep sharing, keep loving, keep experiencing, keep dancing that dance of life.


Posted in Reverence

3 thoughts on “The butterfly effect: or, how not to panic in the face of your mortality

  1. October (Lors) says:

    My Journey has taken me down a rather large Celtic rabbit hole especially with regards The Morrigan.
    it has become so vast and so detailed that the burrow in itself has become very multi faceted and hugely diversely dimensional, and has become so vast, so detailed, that the burrow in itself has become very multi faceted and hugely diversely dimensional.

    From as young as I can remember I used to look at moon and be in awe thinking to myself, how long have you been up there shining down on us all? and where did you come from? were you ever anywhere else?

    I used to look at the sun and think have you ALWAYS been here? or was there ever a time before your warmth and light?

    Now I look at a window or a mirror and see a lady and sovereign and say…..I knew there was something more… I just didn’t know why until now <3

  2. Liv says:

    I really enjoyed this post. It sounds like some of your thoughts shared here are really in line with some of the thoughts and feelings I’ve been experiencing lately. For a while, in fact, that that existential battle was getting the better of me and I was in a pretty deep depression. But with some of the positive thoughts such as what you described here, I’ve been able to pull myself out of that and become productive again the past few weeks. Keep sharing, we all do appreciate it. 🙂

  3. October (Lors) says:

    Hi Liv, first of let me apologise for the quality of the above post as my computer decided to duplicate the first paragraph. then when I realised it would not allow me to edit it I had a bit of a MEH moment 😀

    ‘it has become so vast and so detailed that the burrow in itself has become very multi faceted and hugely diversely dimensional, and has become so vast, so detailed, that the burrow in itself has become very multi faceted and hugely diversely dimensional’ (apologies for the repeating part)

    However regards the content. Isn’t it interesting how all of us have become as individual as we are, such spiritual beings, who are SO completely different, yet we know are still made up of the same fibrous tissues and sculpted bone, coursing internally with liquid laments, as our very essence dances through our bodies, lulling and forgiving & forever teaching…ARE were re living?

    I often feel that the windows of our souls are acting as our own unique personal pon projectors, using our inward energies when needed to cast outwardly, allowing us to truly see our deeper selves and our honourable deities in physical form.

    Crystal like, we radiate, yet absorb, and therefore have to learn to unburden ourselves from things, people,places, energies, emotions, vibrations and other earthly everything’s, so that we do not absorb too much of one thing or limit or starve ourselves from another.

    We are complicated complex and captivating creations, we are curious, and so do not always join the dots the first time we look at a page. Very often we are too busy trying to solve the problem we see printed,instead of simply looking and admiring, absorbing and enveloping what is truly in front of us.

    THERE!

    The dot, the speck, the scintilla, the particle, the atom.

    Great strength can be gained if the correct power is used.

    Love & blessings October (Lors) )O(

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