October 13, 2016
I want to get out of the habit of putting off writing here because my thoughts don’t seem coherent enough, or too negative, or I don’t feel like I have enough time to write something meaningful or good enough—or first respond to the many comments (thank you!) that have been neglected over the last months (sorry!). When I made the change from Heart Story to Áine Órga, that was one of my goals. So far I haven’t lived up to it; but here’s a step in the right direction.
I am still desperately in need of reforming a good spiritual habit—or any good lifestyle habit, for that matter. When I returned to Edinburgh for the start of the academic year, I fell ill, and remained so for over a month. I’m still recovering (hence no videos). And while this might be the perfect time to really devote my energy to self-care and light spiritual practices that might help me rest and recuperate, my complete lack of routine bit me in the ass.
What I have been managing to do is to enjoy getting outside into green spaces, and pay more attention to the passing of the year. I am reminded of why I stepped onto this spiritual path in the first place—the feeling of being completely unmoored, and wanting desperately to tune back in to the very basic cycles in which we live our lives.
It’s slow work, and I’m realising how much the change in light and weather here in Edinburgh has impeded my ability to really tune in to the passing months. I’ve realised, to my slight despair, that we really do get less sunshine here—certainly less than in relatively sheltered Dublin. The autumn months are different: the trees turn more slowly; there are fewer bright, crisp days; there is much more cloud and rain. But I am adjusting a little this time around, and learning to watch for and appreciate the particularly beautiful and soul-wrenching moments.
Most of all right now I feel like I need to make space for silence. I need to make space to sit with myself and tune back in. This is something I’ve had precious little of ever since moving to Edinburgh, and getting into a new relationship has made the opportunities fewer still. This is also the first relationship I’ve been in that actually feels like a partnership, where being together—rather than separate—is the norm. This all takes readjustment.
I made a decision some months ago that I would start thinking more about my pantheism, and thinking more about my faith in the divinity of Cosmos, of existence. I want to start drawing that faith more into my everyday life again. Since I wrote about faith a little while ago, things have improved somewhat. I have started reading blog posts and books again that reaffirm those things that are so important to me; I have remembered to be in the moment while walking in the park, to try tuning into that sense of reverence and connectedness, that feeling of being a drop in a great, creative, divine ocean.
I’m still a long way off where I want to be. I catch glimpses of that feeling, rather than capturing it completely. But if I’ve learned anything over the past five years, it’s been never to stop chipping away at how I want to be and feel and move in this world.